Winter

Ecclisiastes 3:1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--

Winter by Tori Amos
Snow can wait I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winterI put my hand in my father's glove

I run off where the DRIFTS GET DEEPER
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice "You must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"

He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter MELTS
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was

Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself SKATING around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna CHANGE so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be PROUD of me
I always wanted that myself
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast

All the WHITE HORSES have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear Never change
All the white horses

I'm in the season of winter. I read a great devotional the other day about the changing of seasons and how the process of change was created by God and serves a specific purpose. I know winter is coming because I begin to withdraw from others and seek a lot more alone time journaling. I also begin to seek God more and question areas in my life that I'm not satisifed with.

I can't say that being in the season of winter is fun and it never comes at a good time. Often winter for me is a cold, lonely, dark place and I must travel it all on my own, this lesson I've learned well. Oh, I could bring others with me but they would not survive my journey, and in the end, we would be forced to part bitter ways.

I used to fear this season... and would dread it's coming in my life... however, I've begun to realize it's purpose and I've learned how to prepare. For me, my winter protection is the Bible and the loving arms of God for I know no matter how dark and cold it gets He is there the moment I need Him. It is a season of strengthening, just as the trees are strengthened so that they can bloom in the spring. My season always ends with me being happier, rejuvinated and most importantly stronger.

The most difficult and challenging part about this season for me is holding onto relationships that are important to me. Too often, I somehow end up destroying friendships without meaning to... however, I'm learning... and sometimes I have to take a break from my season of winter to build a nice cozy fire and invite people in.

I don't know how long this season will last. All I ask is for is patience, because soon I'll be in the season of spring - the season of joy and happiness and lots of laughter. I just hope I don't cause too much damage along the way. Someday you'll have your season of winter and although it will differ from mine - I will be there at the end of your journey with a nice big mug of hot cocoa and lots of hugs.

Fuel

James 3:5-9 (NLT) - In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. (6) And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. (7) People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, (8) but no one can tame the tongue. (9) It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God."

"Sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God." When I curse someone made in the image of God, I am cursing God, since essentially He created the person I am cursing.

My biggest realization lately is that I am not always the one doing the cursing, and that sometimes I allow my ears to become someone else's garbage can. Often, what I don't realize is how easily I then fall prey to taking up someone else's offense.

There is a difference between listening to someone who is seeking advice and listening to someone who is just wanting to whine and complain. I think I am being a good friend by just listening, but I'm learning now how much it actually affects me, my relationship with God, and my relationship with the people involved.

By the same token, I have seen how much my whining and venting about others has also affected relationships. More often than not, and very humbling to admit, I am just looking for a sympathetic ear because I love to whine. I DO THIS ALL THE TIME!!!!

Why? Why do I curse people made in God's image? Especially knowing that according to verse 6 my tongue can set my whole life on fire. And yet, I constantly fuel the flame with my whining using the excuse that I'm venting, and I allow others to do the same. The thing is I always feel horrible afterwards. What I thought would be cathartic always leaves me feeling guilty and full of shame. That's how I know it is sin, and I run to God asking for forgiveness.

Although, I know God has forgiven me, the damage has been done, and fuel has been added to the fire.... a fire that starts out as a burning ember, just waiting for a little spark.

The Power of Orange Knickers

Sometimes we go into battle fighting the wrong enemy. But, we soon find out is that this enemy is actually our closest ally.

Who is this terrorist that smiles so kindly? This battle we believe to be our hardest one yet. We know for certain that underneath their petticoat their knickers are blue and our knickers are orange, and orange and blue knickers do not associate.

Perhaps this person is a husband or a wife, and the battle is the kids or how to run the house. Maybe this person is a co-worker who we view as more talented and qualifed than we are. It could be a mom or a dad who only wants what is best for their child.

But, what if the person is someone we've never met, someone we've only heard about through other people? We pass judgement and make a decision about the person based only on what we've heard about them. We view them as the enemy.

And so, we step into battle with our protective armor on, our swords outstrechted, ready to take the stance. And slowly, we begin the battle... only, the other person doesn't know that we are in full on battle mode. Instead, they begin to smile, and laugh. We try to pick up our sword and it is too heavy, and they come up beside us and help to lift the sword, still not understanding that the sword is meant to inflict harm on them.

We are surprised and thrown off guard by this sudden turn of events. And slowly, ever so slowly we begin removing pieces of our armor, still believing at any moment that the other person is going to draw their dagger and take us out. But, then they don't... instead, they begin to compliment us, and ask us for advice... and then, they show us their knickers and they are orange like ours.

The Painter

People are not expendable. I think too many times we give up on people because we don't feel they are worthy of our time, efforts or energy. They are not going to bring anything to our already overly complicated, busy lives.

Sometimes, I think we view people as works of art. We see someone's life and we think we know how we can make it better. We take it into our hands what we believe to be this marred painting that is bleak and has nothing to offer and we try to turn it into our own masterpiece. And when we begin to see that the masterpiece is not turning into what we had hoped, we begin to tear it down and shred it up, until all that is left is a million little pieces that we can sweep under the rug. People begin to annoy us, they don't have the qualities we are after, and we wish they would just go away. This masterpiece that we once devoted so much time and effort to, is now just a nuisance. We begin to resent them for not turning into our masterpiece, until eventually, we abandon them and want nothing to do with them - ever.

We took what we saw as a marred piece of art and thought that we could refine it and make it into a masterpiece, when in reality, God is the only one who can do that. We are just merely the medium which God uses... there are so many torn up pieces of art that need to be put back together and accepted for the beautiful masterpiece they already are, the masterpiece that God created.

We cannot abandon any work of art simply because they don't fit into our agenda.

Pictures of Success

We all have our pictures of success. Those proud moments in our lives forever captured in a photograph. For some people it is a wedding day, the birth of a new baby, the job promotion, graduation or a first car. The thing is, no one ever has pictures of failure. Those moments in our lives when we made a bad decision, chose the wrong people to be friends with, were hateful towards someone or destroyed a relationship.

Our pictures of success are reminders to ourselves. Reminders that we have value, we're worth something and we can accomplish things. But, what happens when we cling to these pictures too tightly for too long? Sometimes we cling to them for so long in fact, that they become our identity, and this is how we want the world to view us. The danger in clinging too them for too long is that we get stuck where we are and never move foward.

Or, even worse, we refuse to admit that perhaps, right now our lives are a picture of failure. We wake up one day and realize we're fat, we're broke, our relationships have fallen apart, we haven't accomplished any of the things we set out to do 5 or 10 years ago. So we continue to cling to our pictures of success, because we believe it is easier to live in the past, to look at our past accomplishments rather than face the future.

The thing is, that our pictures of failure did not develop overnight, anymore than our pictures of success developed overnight. Our pictures of success, while taken in a single moment, are actually the culmination of a series of events leading up to that moment. The wedding day is a result of meeting someone, falling in love, a proposal and then the wedding. Graduation is the conclusion of years of study and gaining knowledge. This same principle is true for our pictures of failure.

We did not get fat in a single moment. We didn't go broke in a single moment. Our relationships did not fall apart in a single moment. Instead, all of these things are a result of a series of events that led us here. Eating too many calories, failing to budget properly, allowing oursleves to drift apart in our relationships.

To create new pictures of success, we must first stop clinging so tightly to our old pictures. They should only serve as reminders of the things we can do and the places we can go. You can lose the weight and be that thin girl again in the photo. You can recapture the love and admiration you had for the person in your wedding photo. You can create new pictures of success..... the Bible says it is healthy to do so ;).

Toureffe's Syndrome

I attended my first ever roller derby last night. I've been excited all week about going. Part of me wanted to go because I'm in search of a new hobby, part of me wanted to go because I had made a new friend and I wanted to show her my support, but mostly I wanted to go because I wanted to fit in.

One stumbling block in my personal walk with God has been that I have never felt as if I ever really fit into the Christian Mold. I've always felt more comfortable around people who drink, swear and ride Harleys. Over the past 13 years I've learned to say the right "Christianese" phrases, say "Amen" at the appropriate times and listen to Christian music. Still, I always found myself going back to my bad girl roots no matter how hard I tried to become a "Christian."

Perhaps that is why I worked so hard to go to Bible school, onto a private Christian Univerisity and have worked for a Christian Company for the last 10 years. I worked really hard at surrounding myself with Christians, because anytime I got around non-Christians my bad girl self would come out. Inevitbly I would end up feeling guilty for having too much fun, and so I would run, literally run back to my safe proverbial Christian bubble and lock my bad girl away. This was the only way I was every going to be a good Christian.

What I discovered last night at the Roller Derby is that I totally fit in. I loved being surrounded by all of these girls with their bad girl images tattooed right on their arms. They were having so much fun being who they really were, they were not pretending to be somebody they are not.

The truth is, that I have grown more spiritually in the last 6 months than I have in the last 13 years of being a Christian and 2 of those years were spent at in intensive Charistmatic Bible school. This spiritual growth has been due to the fact that I've totally been seeking after God and discovering who He is. I have not tried to become a better Christian. As I have sought God, all of the other things have sort of fallen into place.

As I watched all of the derby girls skate and as all of the spectators around me drank I realized something else. I realized that I can't judge them for making roller derby their passion or even drinking their passion. They are looking for fulfillment and for purpose and meaning in their lives. The same thing that all humans long for. How can I judge them for that? We all want something to be passionate about, a reason for living. Thank God we have had someone in our lives who shared with us the truth about Jesus.

I hope that now that I really have the truth I can share it with others. I love what Pastor Scott said this morning, that when we learn the truth about being Forgiven by God, we will in turn forgive others. I learned that lesson recently but that is for another post.

Comic Book Tatoo

I finally recieved my Tori Amos limited Edition Comic Book Tatoo Anthalogy. In the back of the book Tori posted an afterward and in it she talks about how art is the portal to freeing the mind from religious bondage. This is true to some extent, but still there is a danger in freeing the mind too much.

The coolest thing has happened to me recently. Anytime I start to struggle with an issue, inevitibly I find my answer in one of Pastor Scott's sermons. Lately I've been struggling with whether or not I'm being a good Christian or a bad influence. Am I listening to the wrong kind of music, saying the wrong things, wearing the wrong things. Perhaps I should immerse myself in Christian Pop-culture and that I would be an effective Christian Witness. Ah but alas, I digress.

God created me. Eph: 2:10 "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." He created me with all of my idiosyncracies, likes, dislikes, etc. To be an effective Witness and lead others to Jesus I really just need to by myself. That's not to say that I should behave and act any way I want which would be to be selfish, unkind and greedy. I should work to exercise the spiritual gifts of kindness, patience, love and generosity.

The sermon this past Sunday was about making the message of Salvation and of Jesus Simple. For Jesus came for the spiritually sick Matthew 9:9-12. Salvation is not based on the fact that we as Christians don't drink, smoke, swear or listen to rock music. The Salvation message is based on love and entering into a personal relationship with God.

It's so simple really, and yet some Christians want to make it so complicted. They want to make it about self righteousness which inevitibly leads to hypocrisy. No one is without sin. The Bible tells us this and we all know it is true.

I'm not suggesting that I'm now free to do and say whatever I want. However, I am free to be myself, to grow in my relationship with Christ, and by so doing help lead others to Christ. This is what Jesus' life on earth was all about - leading people to God and into a relationship with Him. His life was not about telling people to quit smoking, drinking or swearing.